The Heimlich for Babies

I went into the weekend aged 29 and I arrived into work this morning, a haggard and care worn 40-something. I now have my first grey hairs and am walking with a distict stoop.

Why? Well, because we had a small stone-swallowing-and-choking episode yesterday, with a certain one-year-old who ought to know better than try to kill himself through maternal neglect at his paternal grandmother's house! (Talk about showing you up in front of the in-laws!!!)

Thank Christ, I knew how to do the baby-heimlich (i.e. Don't!) and got him to vomit it up pretty quick smart but scary, or what! I swear I lost half a stone from the shaking afterwards. And what was it about a nasty hard little grey pebble that looked so appetising?

I dunno. Anyway, all's well that ends well. I sent my child to his creche this morning clothed in bubble-wrap, with some well placed air-holes but nowhere for him to get a stone into his mouth... I'm a responsible mother, me!

If I were..., I'd fire...

I've stolen the idea for this blog from Conor. I'll at least have the decency to cite his suggestions, so there isn't any actual plagarism! Con, if you're really miffed about this, I'll take it down and you can have it for your blog.

If I were Victoria Beckham, I'd fire my husband's PA
If I were Sylvester Stallone's mother, I'd fire my plastic surgeon
If I were Han Solo, I'd fire first (con)
If I were the Emperor, I'd fire my architects (con)
If I were Russell Crowe, I'd fire my anger management therapist
If I were an Taoiseach, I'd fire my Minister for Justice for being an arse
If I were found guilty of a crime I didn't commit, I'd fire my lawyer. In fact
If I were found guilty, I'd fire my lawyer
If I were the Centre de George Pompidou, I'd fire my buiding contractor for not finishing the job
If I were managed by Louis Walsh, I'd fire my manager

More to follow as I think of them...
Feel free to add some into the Comments either...

The Well of Lost Plots by Jasper Fforde

It's big, it's clever and it makes me laugh. Thursday Next is pregnant with her non-existant husband's child and has taken refuge from the evil little sister of her vanquished arch-nemesis in the Well of Lost Plots. As if that's not enough for her to deal with, she must also avoid being murdered by a renegade JurisFiction agent, while all around her are popping off like flies. Who is behind the dastardly plot that threatens the Well of Lost Plots and the rest of BookWorld? How far does the corruption extend? Read on to find out...

A nice piece of chocolate

I was just at tea with some girls in work and we were talking about the TV show 'Trading Spouses' - an American version of 'Wife Swap'. Last night, the wife from an orthodox Jewish family was swapped with the wife from a Born Again Christian family. I'm sorry I missed it - you gotta think it would have been like watching a car wreck!

Anyway, the BAC woman was explaining to the three Jewish teenage daughters why they should abstain from pre-marital sex. She used a piece of chocolate as an illustration. She mooshed it up and squished it down and mauled it and passed it on to the first daughter. D1 mooshed, squished and mauled it before passing it to D2, who mooshed, squished and mauled it before passing it to D3, who also mooshed, squished and mauled it and then handed it back to BAC woman. She mooshed, squished and mauled it some more. So all in all, it was a fairly manky piece of chocolate by the time it had gone around. Then BAC woman took out a fresh piece of chocolate.

"This," she said, holding the manky chocolate, "is what you'd be like if you've been passed around. But this," triumphantly holding aloft the pristine piece, "is what you'd be giving your husband if you saved yourself for him!"

After hearing all that, boy am I glad that I kept a nice piece of chocolate for Con!

Potential for change

I've worked in one capacity or another for UCD Personnel for nearly 8 years - since I finished my undergraduate degree, in fact. That's a long time. From where I sit, it looks scary on the outside.

I just got a new job. In DIT, so sticking with the 3rd level educational institution vibe. In HR, so not much change there. Doing IT implementations of HR systems, so in fact, no change at all. The salary wasn't even much better - certainly not enough to warrant giving up flexi-time and the massive amount of leave I get in UCD (20 days' annual leave, 10 days at Christmas and up to 13 days' flexi-leave per annum - that's 43 days folks!)

Anyway, I'm not taking the job in DIT. It was only a contract to the end of December anyway. Why would I give up a permanent and pensionable job to take a short term contract when I'll be going on maternity leave in November?

How to earn Brownie Points from your wife

Go to dinner with her and one of her crazy friends. And I'm not talking nice-crazy here. I mean full-on damaged-goods-chip-on-her-shoulder-that-comes-with-its-own-dip-loud-abrasive-argumentative-angry-crazy.

And don't complain about it. Not even once. In fact, mention the next morning (through gritted teeth and a hang-over) what a good time you had the night before.

Thanks Con! You are genuinely the best person in the world. Smoochies. Massive brownie pointage for you this weekend.

Famous Captains

Captain Nemo
Captain Scarlet
Captain Ahab
Captain Hook
Captain Bligh
Captain America
Captain Buck Rogers (biddy-biddy)
Captain Sensible
Captain of my Heart

Captain Sinéad?

Yes, I've been asked to take over as Captain of my Guide Company. Well, one of the other leaders, Emma, and I have been asked to decide between ourselves which one of us will take on the role in September when the current Captain retires. (She's only been doing the job since 1978, so no pressure!)

Anyway, Emma's been there longer than I have, so I reckon that if she wants it, she should get it. Emma reckons that I should take it. I'm not fully sure why.

Meanwhile, I'm just trying it on for size. Any other famous captains out there that I've overlooked?

A Year in the Merde by Stephen Clarke

An almost sterotypically British Englishman goes to live in Paris and is met with a very stereotypically French reaction.
Some of it is a bit hit-and-miss, but some of it makes me laugh out loud. On the bus.

I can't believe it's been a year already

I'm a bit late with this reportage, but can you believe that David is already a year old?
No, really, he is. He's nearly walking, chats and sings away to himself and is currently cutting his fifth tooth (yes, he's a bit of a late developer on the dental front!), which has made for some incredibly unsettled nights' sleep for Conor and I over the past couple of weeks.
(cf: Con's blog)

Anyhoo, better late than never, check out how cute my li'l boy is!

Miss Garnet's Angel by Sally Vickers

A curmudgeonly old bird's friend dies, so she goes to Venice and realises that she's a curmudgeonly old bird. Beautiful story, beautifully told. Made me want to go back to Venice to see all the bits that I missed.