The Results Are In...

I know that your breath is bated (or maybe you're just holding it out of politeness, because you forgot to brush your teeth this morning and your breath is a bit stinky).

Last night saw the jury vote on the Nicest Beard Competition. There were three contestants in the final (the guy who shaved his off decided to let it grow back for the competition), five judges in situ, four postal votes and two independent referees to verify the result. There was even a tie-break round of questions in case the judges were unable to reach a majority verdict.

The three candidates lined up and the judges who were present had to stand beside their favourite beard. A secret ballot had been suggested and one of the guys had tried to organise a ballot box and a member of the Garda Siochána to stand beside it for security, but in the end that sounded like too much trouble and we weren't trying to oust a corrupt regime from government or anything so open voting was agreed by all.

Beard A: was not a bad showing from a first-timer. A little short still and not quite full enough around the chin for my taste, but there was a lot of potential for further beard development.

Beard B: was a healthy offering from the beardie-perennial. Not as much growth as I'm used to, but nicely rounded and full around the mouth and chin. As always, a bit thin on the cheeks - either make 'em grow out more or (preferably) tidy them off altogether.

Beard C: was a brave attempt from another beard-virgin. Striking contrast between dark brown/black hair and a completely ginger facial growth. Had disadvantaged himself by shaving earlier in the competition; growth was not nearly thick enough to compete with Beard A or Beard B - still at the bristly stage.

My vote had to go to Beard B. Of course. The four other live judges all voted for Beard A. One of the independent referees suggested that Beard A could enter a Jeremy Beadle look-alike competition. The other reckoned Brendan Grace. The postal votes were distributed: two to Beard B and two to Beard C.

There were accusations of Eurovision-like voting with cubicle-members voting for their local candidate, something akin to the Eastern bloc countries voting for each other or the Scandanavians banding together. The independent referees were called in. They found no evidence of jury-tampering or undue influence being applied to the judges.

The final scores were Beard A: 4; Beard B: 3; Beard C: 2. It was a landslide. The A's had it.

There really wasn't a need for the tie-breaker round, but we had it anyway. We were on a roll. Just as well we didn't need it to finalise the decision because the five beard questions were really tough and no-one knew any of the answers.

Finally, the prize giving ceremony: a Playmobil Bearded Viking (with a beard colour that most closely matched the contestant's beard) to each of the participants and the big play set that they came from to the overall winner.

We ought to have had some interval entertainment and closed with the National Anthem, but instead we drank and ate spicy chicken wings at the bar. I think that was the better option.

Nicest Beard Competition

To those of you who have been following the trials and tribulations of my life, or just reading my blog and the comments on it, I am pleased to announce that I will be sitting in judgement at the "Nicest Beard Competition" tonight.

This event will be held in the Life Bar, Irish Life Mall, Dublin 1 (Ireland, not Texas, for any of my geographically-challenged readers) from 5.30 this evening.

My sources tell me that there are just two combatants remaining in the contest. One went off to Thailand, where presumably, beard-growing is an optional occupation; the other gave up and shaved a fortnight ago on the grounds that he wasn't meeting enough women who were willing to kiss his hirsute visage. Apparently, the kissing (or lack thereof) was a greater danger to his self-esteem than being beaten by his peers, jeered at for being pussy-whipped and generally being humiliated in public. His testosterone-levels will also be called into question at the judging ceremony.

I will report back to my loyal readers tomorrow and let them know who won the coveted moniker of "Nicest Beard" - and no, we don't mean the "nicest lesbian companion of a gay man", though the talk of testosterone could have been misleading...